• One lump or 200?: That prick Suge Knight's back in the weeds with John Q. Law. Assault and drugs, don't ya' know!

• Back in business: Alaska's most bribe-taking-est Senator, Ted Stevens, handily won his Republican re-election primary bid today, stomping out a couple of losers who should be really embarrassed. Up next, sigh, a Democrat.

• You could never get in anyway: Jay-Z, he's a rapper, has sold his 40-40 Club in Las Vegas.

• Grounded in reality: Diddy, he's a vodka and zit-cream salesman, has grounded his jet citing high fuel prices and is now flying commercial. When you see him, say hi.

• DMX, you moron: DMX, he's a criminal and an idiot, cussed at the judge presiding over his bond hearing. Hence no bond awarded.