This morning brings a New York City twofer in the New York Post and the New York Daily News—both covers front a MISSING WHITE GIRL, in a story that has minimal relevance to New York City and lack any real juicy tabloidness. The girl was abducted in Boston by her father, and only passed through Grand Central Station on the way to points unknown. We don't really care about her! This situation is pretty bad, even for this lazy cucumber season of news. So what six things could the tabs have reached for last night?

1. Wild knife fight at NYC deli! Yemeni deli owner stabbed by freak: "He spits at the man behind the camera and then goes berserk, toppling a display counter and tossing merchandise into the air. As two employees with sticks try to herd him out the door, witnesses said the enraged assailant pulled a knife and began slashing and stabbing at them." Hello!

2. "Children see man decapitate fellow passenger on Greyhound bus in Canada." Seriously do not read this because you might hurl. It's not in New York either, but, wow, tabloid-grisly. Ugh.

3. Anthrax scientist offs self—just as he was about to face charges from the Justice Dept. for anthrax attacks. This is particularly germane to the tabloids, where staffers were subject to anthrax-laden letters.

4. Surely there's some way to make a working-class friendly tabloid story about the new jobs numbers—given that the U.S. has lost nearly half a million jobs this year. Anyone? Anyone?

5. Girl survives 15-story fall down chimney in West Village ARTISTS' COLONY. 'Nuff said!

6. Ha ha, TMZ is asking (okay, harassing) Mike Bloomberg about selling the Statue of Liberty and the Brooklyn Bridge. Why is TMZ beating the NYC tabloids at their own game?