And here we are. The majesty, the pageantry, the pomp and spectacle: It's the opening ceremonies of the Games of the XXIX Olympiad! Exciting, right? I mean, it must be, everyone's talking about it. Personally? I can't stand the Olympics. It's like a non-stop celebration of all of the sports I don't care about. But years of being told to shut up because it's something incredibly special and I just don't understand the beauty of it etc. have left me wary of expressing that opinion. So fine, whatever, have your stupid Olympics. I'll be in the corner, drinking.

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