Last night was the season two premiere of the hit show Army Wives. You probably didn't watch, but a bunch of Lifetime ladies in middle America sure as hell did, and you know who wants these ladies bad? Our presumptive presidential candidates Barack Obama and John McCain, of course. The candidates' created special individual messages to these Army Wives viewers, with Obama staying simple and sincere—"Honor the real army wives"—and Johnny boy pandering with a brave admission/overshare: "Army Wives has a lot of great twists and turns, I know because Cindy makes me watch with her and we're looking forward to season two." Assuming Mac isn't lying, we've penned an open letter to the famous Arizonan in hopes he'd discuss the night's events:

Dear John,

We were thrilled to learn that you and Cindy watch Army Wives! What a crazy season premiere, right? Talk about "twists and turns." First there was the explosion that put the hump bar owner woman in a coma (for those who don't support the troops and/or watch the show, a hump bar is where the soldiers hangout and cougars snare them). And then, for like the next 40 minutes, we're left wondering who died in the explosion. The suspense was so intense we almost Tivo-d forward. We thought that maybe they killed off Claudia Joy, because you didn't see her for the first part of the show—but then we realized she's played by Kim Delaney, the show's biggest star, and obviously they're going to keep her around. Plus she has the most awesome name—Claudia! Joy!—and holds all the very different women on the show together.

But then at the end of last night's episode, in a cheap sort of M. Night Shyamalan way, it turns out Claudia Joy's daughter was killed in the blast. Those scenes where Claudia Joy was dropping her off at Harvard were just dreams! What a depressing way to start out the season. The men all deployed at the end of last season and now this?! It's not certain we'll be tuning into Lifetime every Sunday to watch some chick grieve over her dead child. It's just not exactly the most pleasant way to cap off the weekend, you know? Also, the whole situation might be a bit too much of an acting challenge for this cast.

Moving on, do you think Joan should keep the baby or not? I know you're usually against abortion, but Joan can't really serve her country so well if she's preggers, can she? As lieutenant colonel she's like the base commander's right hand wo-man, and the base really needs all hands on deck (and not with buns in the oven) after the explosion tragedy. We're dying to know what you think here.

Also, it was an angry soldier who bombed the bar (killing Claudia Joy's daughter, putting the bar owner in a coma, and killing his wife who was cheating on him), and we'd like to know what you would do as president to prevent such things from happening? Would you make counseling more available to soldiers suffering from PTSD? Is there a way to keep army wives (and husbands, like Joan's) from cheating on their spouses serving? (Wait, sorry, never mind. I totally forgot that there was some overlap between your first wife and Cindy and that infidelity is sort of a sensitive subject with you two.) Last question, who is your favorite army wife? I'm going to bet you like that little blonde spitfire Roxy, who's dutifully waiting for her man to come home from Iraq. Am I right? Cindy, Heidi Montag ... you like the blondes, don't you, you crazy old coot?

Love,
Radar