You know what's classy? When you trash your first two marriages at your third! So 9/11 conspiracy theorist, frequent porn star dater and lead player in the forthcoming animated Foodfight! (he plays Dex Dogtective!) Charlie Sheen tells OK! magazine: "The first one was a show, the second one was a con, and this one is the real deal." Although it's hard to be surprised at this outburst of crazy. In the fine tradition of his fellow artistic heavyweights such as Norman Mailer and William S. Burroughs, Sheen did actually attack his first fiance, Kelly Preston—"accidentally" shooting her in 1990. Let the buyer beware! His first marriage lasted a year; his second lasted just under four years, and surely his two children from his "con" marriage with Denise Richards won't need therapy. Given his 5000+ sex partners, the average lifespan of Sheen's relationships—marriages and engagements included—can only be measured in hours, not even in days. But what's most disturbing is his inability to style himself for his own latest wedding:

For one thing, there is the matter of Sheen's hair. He has a Supercuts-worthy flop of hair that has literally not changed in years. Sometimes in a breeze, it blows back off his head just a little? But in every single photo taken of him in this decade, those irksome three or four strands fall over his forehead, descending from an unparted, fake-casual cut. What's particularly eerie about his hair is that it is the ultimate wash-and-go lesbian dustmop.

This hair that he carelessly wore to his Beverly Hills wedding is the very same hair that has bopped from orgy to orgy with over the years. Below the hair, and below his oddly-leering face, there is the matter of his oddly-shiny black suit. Surely he has some wealth remaining from his star turn in All Dogs Go to Heaven 2? The nicest thing that can be said about this suit is that it photographs poorly.

What's more, he clearly cannot even bring himself, at his own wedding, to even keep his shirt buttoned. His 90s-style fat and formal neckwear, which looks to be tied in a rapidly-disassembling Half-Windsor, must have only been properly situated around his over-large neck for all of 15 minutes. The huge amount of light coming from the photographer's setup—see how much white bounce they achieved from the bride's gown and teeth?—actually creates a deep shadow along Sheen's neck, as his collar loosens and his tie comes more and more undone. And so we see that this is a portrait of a man in crisis. A man who cannot keep his suit coat buttoned and cannot keep his tie tied for his own wedding pictures is a man who has deep reservations about being married at all.

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