Jamie Lynn Spears proves fertile ground for the tabs this week. The unwed 17-year-old gave birth to seven-pound, eleven-ounce Maddie Briann in McComb, Mississippi, on June 19, and who, depending on which weekly you read, is named after Ludwig Bemelman's Madeline books, JL's brother Bryan, or boyfriend Casey Aldridge's dead cousin. But no matter which glossy you glance, it's clear the event was the typical Spears family spectacle!

OK! (who according to Us has a $3 million deal with Jamie Lynn) gets the money quote from the baby mamma herself: "More than anything I just want this baby to have a normal life." Um, a decoy was needed to trick paparazzi when the new fam left the hospital and half the city's cops were needed for security during the labor—best of luck with that normal life thing.

Life & Style makes it all about big sister Britney, which is just what Brit would want. The Bauer Bunch claim the senior Spears gal couldn't stand everyone gushing over Maddie. It even made her miss those two kids she had once ... yeah those two whose custody court dates she could never quite manage to make.

Us creates a graph comparing the price of raising a bambino in L.A., where Jamie Lynn and Casey were living, with the price of raising a babe in Liberty, Mississippi, where the couple recently bought a 2200-square-foot home for under $200k. So guess what? Turns out shopping at Wal-Mart and sending the kid to creepy ass daycare in Mississippi is cheaper than getting a trainer and nanny in Los Angeles. Great investigative journalism guys—make sure the Pulitzer Committee gets a copy!

In Touch, meanwhile, asks whether Jamie Lynn is somehow responsible for a Gloucester High School Pregnancy pact where 17 teens all (maybe!) decided to get knocked up and raise their kids together. We're not quite convinced, but she was responsible for that horrible Zooey 101 show, so anything is possible.

Star gets the Gory Details of the Week Award for its "Delivery Room DRAMA!" headline. According to Candace's kids (who've been known to find creative ways around doctor/patient confidentiality laws), Jamie Lynn was suffering Toxemia, a last minute complication "caused by high blood pressure and extremely dangerous to mother and baby." But when docs told the tartlet she'd need a C-section, Jamie Lynn was all "no, I want a natural delivery." Britney, apparently told baby sis to "just have the damn Caesarian," then left the room in an angry huff. Meanwhile, mom Lynne was yelling at the maternity crew for not doping her daughter up sooner (pregnant teen daughter Jamie Lynn, not crazy daughter Britney). Then Jamie Lynn screamed at baby daddy/pipe layer/community-college dropout Casey to "Get the Hell out!"

We like this version of events so much better than the other mags that simply say that Jamie Lynn was "old-fashioned" and had only doctors in the room for the delivery.