I can't be tell bothered with this advice.

Written with one hand on a Sidekick while driving the PCH.

The problem I have with this column is that it's not quite bad enough to be self-parody. It needs to get worse (obviously it won't get better).

The "tell bother" thing was TOTALLY the editor's fault. I'd fire him, but, you know, I really need the job.

It's thirty friggin' words and it needs an editor.

Next case.

Okay Spence, thanks for the insightful counsel in regard to letting someone know that they're a fat ass.

Now I'm sure you don't have the time it takes to answer this question in a sincere and committed manner probably because you're out taking staged photos with that horse you hang around. So allow me to do your job for you so you can concentrate on how to remove that tampon you have lodged in your ass.

Listen here friend of a fatty. It's your responsibility as a friend to let your gal pal know that she's becoming morbidly obese. You know the good thing about self esteem and confidence once it's broken and shattered? It grows back. So it's your job to completely smash what little she has left. And let her know that comfort eating is just going to make things worse.

She needs to understand that no one wants a fat girl. She needs to learn to take the fork out of her mouth. She also needs to leave that bag of potato chips she has hung permanently around her mouth like a feed sack at home in the cupboard...preferably with a huge padlock on it that only you have the key to.

Plus you need to let her know that she's not only an embarrassment to herself but to you as well. And while you do appreciate the personal property value that is raised in your favor when standing next to a fatty the bigger picture is that you feel a sense of shame for hanging out with a hippo.

Give her suggestions that will help her. Such as if she loves chocolate, feed her ex-lax. If she likes orange soda, mix her up a glass of orange flavored Metamucil.

Remind her that the only way she'll ever get laid is if she shows up at a bar right before closing time. Otherwise it's a miserable existence of hiding away from the world because the world isn't nice to fat people. And becoming a fat ass isn't being nice to your self. It's actually a form of self abuse.

You as a friend need to save her from doing this. Much in the same way that you wouldn't let a friend drive home drunk, do an irregular amount of meth, have sex with a crippled or vote republican.

It's your job to get her thin. And should she continue to blow up then she only has you to blame because you didn't say anything. The hot mess you'll see in front of you will be a manifestation of your failures as a friend.

And remember, nothing is more motivating than a complex. So give your friend a moo and let her know what changes need to be implemented.

-You're welcome.

www.killkriskortez.com