When we last checked in on the child pornography trial of singer R. Kelly, everyone was amusingly pissed—judge, lawyers, an excessively shunned media. As promised, and with opening arguments finally behind us, it's only getting better: To date we've had a Little Man Wayon's Brothers defense, a "Shaggy defense" (specious!), and a courtroom screener of what is said to be the kinkiest, most depraved kiddie porn this side of an Akon show after-party. But why get caught up in abusive underage sex and Hollywood references? There are also R&B hoochies, unethical cops, maybe-cancerous lesions, and more. Let's look back at what we learned this week in the trial of Robert Sylvester Kelly.

• Your friends and family hate you and want to ruin your life. The girl allegedly starring in the video still maintains it is not her, but three relatives and a former best friend, Simha Jamison, all testified this week that it is in fact her in the video. Simha's identifier: the mullet.

• The press are prudes—or fake prudes. On screening the infamous sex video, journalists found it is not for the squeamish.

• Defense attorneys are smarter than you. For example, if you're police officer Delores Gibson, a relative to the girl said to be featured in the Kelly sex film, and you testify that you saw the tape in question in your home and admit also to not telling other cops about it for an entire month, expect to be promptly reamed by your interrogator for the gap. Then he'll want you prosecuted for the same gap.

• When the jury's passing, keep your "Free R. Kelly!" chants to yourself if you prefer to avoid prison.

• When your name is Sparkle and you decide to put a "small patch of glitter" near your left eye before taking the stand, people aren't going to take you seriously. Especially craggy, wheel-chair bound defense attorney Ed Genson, who doesn't take kindly to failed R&B hooches calling him "Sweetie."

• Smart as they are, defense attorneys cannot stand toe-to-toe with the wit of a young black woman from the gritty streets of Chicago. Can't be done. Also, "Cancerous mole" jokes are hilarious and will have even the defendant against whom you are testifying—and whose lesion you are referring—rolling in the aisle.

• Lawyers love Wayons brothers films. Remember Little Man, the Wayons brothers film in which a man's head is animated onto a baby's body? Of course not. But that didn't stop Kelly's defense team from claiming that the sex tape in question might have been altered to have Kelly's head on someone else's body via some similar digital artistry. Attorney to witness Simha Jamison: "They put the head of Marlon Wayans on a midget and it looked real, didn't it?" Simha Jamison to attorney: "Not really!" (See above re: wit.)

• If the judge is a cranky, media-shy Vietnam vet, don't disobey him, particularly if you're a sketch artist looking to keep his press credentials.

• "It wasn't me"—as goes Kelly's explanation for the video—is now referred to (by some!) as "the Shaggy defense." This is extremely disrespectful to the forefather of It Wasn't Mes, Eddie Murphy.