Poor, poor Jessica Simpson. With fellow sad singleton Jennifer Aniston hot and heavy and meeting the fam of Jess' ex John Mayer, there was no one to deflect Jess' sad-sack older-sister status at sister Ashlee Simpson's wedding.

Ash and Fallout Boy singer/gay rumor magnet Pete Wentz tied the knot in tents in the Simpson's backyard on May 17, reportedly because she's knocked up and her minister pop, Joe, would have none of those out-of-wedlock grandbabies that are all the rage these days—plus Poppa Joe could make a mint selling those wedding details!

People paid the big bucks for the exclusive photos of the shotgun shindig ($1.3 million and guests weren't allowed to bring their own cameras, if you believe Us Weekly—not that Minn's minions are bitter or anything). Despite this setback, just as they did with Nick and Mariah a few weeks before, Life & Style does a pretty good job of hitting up drunk guests on the way out for all the soppy details.

According to the Bauer bunch, Ash and Pete's nuptials had an Alison In Wonderland theme. Decorations included leafless black trees; Mark's Garden provided black, white, and red flowers; Wolfgang Puck catered with mini cheeseburgers and cote de boeuf; guests took away cookies that read "Eat Me." "It looked like the set of a Tim Burton movie," one partygoer slurs. And Us Weekly adds that Ash, who's an unconfirmed four months along, couldn't fit into her Vera Wang dress and had to make a last minute substitution for a white Monique Lhuillier number for the ceremony and a black cocktail gown for the reception—and that info didn't cost them a cent, if you don't count the cost of bribing that delivery kid.

In Touch and Star aren't concerned about the whimsical cake or DJ—they make Ashlee's big day all about big sis Jessica, just the way the older Simpson sibling would want it. While Jess brought boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/inconsistent Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo to the wedding, five out of five weeklies agree, he only showed up as a favor to her dad, and the two are on the outs.

Team AMI boldly proclaims "Jessica Ruins Ashlee's Wedding!" and spins a yarn about how at a last minute gown fitting before the wedding, Jess was sobbing that she "trusted that bastard." Luckily an attendant was there to offer her champagne in which to drown her sorrows. If Star is to be believed, Ash almost insisted on a dry wedding, just to guarantee that Jess wouldn't get hammered, start dancing on the tables, and implore Tony not to leave via a bubbly-soaked serenade.

But the most cringe worthy award of the week goes to In Touch. Not only do they have a nice pictorial spread about how Ashlee's wedding reminded Jess of her own failed marriage to Nick Lachey, but they devote an entire half to page to an info box with The Rules co-author Sherrie Schneider, who details step by step how Jess screwed up her relationship with Tony by being too open with the cutie QB, spending too much time with him, and offering him too much support by, you know, watching his games. "When you're married, you can go to his games like Eva Longoria Parker and Tony Parker," Schneider tells In Touch. "But when you're dating—it's not cool. He should have to beg her to go to the games."

Bummer, Ash. Now that you're hitched, you have to start going to Fallout Boy shows.

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