This week the tabs are a grab bag of bloated stars. In Touch has Brad Pitt fearing for ready-to-pop Angelina Jolie and her baby/twins/triplets; Life & Style laments the sad solo life of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (apparently it's lonely as the only bio-baby in the Rainbow Bunch); and, if Us is to be believed, that girl from The Hllls who isn't L.C. is apparently ready to say "I Do." Star is, well, missing with Hudson News employees having no idea if and when Ms. Fuller's finest will arrive—perhaps AMI was forced to recall the current issue after marrying another couple without their consent?

But there is one thing that all weekly warriors can agree on: The May 23 Dolce & Gabbana party at the Cannes Film Festival was the best Memorial Day gift EVER.

There, Lindsay Lohan sucked face with gal pal Samantha Ronson—and La Lohan was wearing a ring that in the real world has no significance, but in the tab world, it only means one thing: The two have tied the knot in a union not recognized in most states. Cannes is so cool, this shit like never happens at the Tribeca Film Festival.

Also, mononad cad Lance Armstrong tried to mount Kate Hudson (who just did a farewell lap with Owen Wilson) at the shindig. Uncle Lance, remember, got a lapful of Ashley Olsen earlier this year. In addition to kissing, cuddling, and being "attached at the hip," Life & Style claims "Kate, even grabbed Lance and pulled him into the Men's room for ten minutes!"

Get your mind out of the gutter, OK!'s bathroom insider reports that Kate was only washing Lance's white dress shirt in the sink. And really, who hasn't washed a white dress shirt or two in the club bathroom?

But the real question is what was going on in the Ladies lounge? The mags didn't even need to bribe the restroom attendant because La Lohan and her lady love were out in the open, first getting busy on P. Diddy's yacht on the 22, and then taking their girl-on-girl show to the D&G party.

Despite pics of the two women lip locked, Us has a "source"/friend of LL's mailman who claims that Lindsay doesn't see herself as lesbian. Um, well, we're not one for labels either, but Linds' when you neck, and pet and dry hump with an openly gay DJ at a party, you might be splitting hairs.

Life & Style scores the fairly facile interview with Lohan's poppa who gets all Christ-y on his daughter for the Bauer Bunch. "She has her beliefs and I have mine," Michael Lohan tells the mag. "What happens in Lindsay's personal relationship is between her and God." You can call her Samantha.

Don't fear, sister sib In Touch reports that when not pimping out her new reality show Living Lohan, LL's mamma Dina "doesn't mind" Linds' new relationship—yeah, add Dina's support to that of every red blooded American male. The mag also mentions that the Mean Girls star got to spend Passover with the Ronsons—for some reason we love this detail; why is this night different from all other nights?