If in the slight chance Adam Divello and Co. are in fact saying something incredibly profound with these bonus episodes of The Hills, it can be summed up thusly: Girl, if you ditch your ladies for some dude, you will most certainly regret it. Last night's episode of The Hills featured Heidi getting screwed over as she tried to branch out on her own post-Spencer Pratt, while Lauren and Whitney continued to conquer the world with their inimical ability to push models onto runways in the correct order.

Confusing her purported love for fashion, Heidi pairs maroon pumps with a set of black shiny American Apparel leggings you typically only see on drag queens. She coordinates a girls' night out, and Audrina awkwardly agrees to join her, even dragging along a co-worker to fill space. All's going well, with everyone in perfect little pools of soft light and the subtitled convo flowing fluidly ... until Spencer shows up, talks to some other chicks, and just plain spoils the whole wonderful evening. Mission accomplished.

Sometime after, Heidi and Spencer talk it out in his excellent BMW. Here's a relationship lesson: Never have serious conversations about your relationship in a motorized vehicle; no good will come of it. Heidi ultimately learns that she can't call "relationship vacation" and think Spencer's going to stay true. Another important lesson: When you cut the chicken wire, the cock will wander.

Meanwhile, over at Kelly Cutrone's Home for Wayward Women, aka People's Revolution, Lauren helps Whitney and her unique fashion voice prep for fashion week. LC's a bit slow and Kelly isn't pleased. We're scared for her. But she wears her hair in a Sienna Miller Grecian braid, and we're confident she will conquer like a goddess.

At the fashion show, Lauren and Whitney wear the requisite People's Revolution black, and despite Kelly Cutrone's orders to not show boobie, their tanks low and Whit shows more of her tall-girl cleavage than ever before. But that doesn't stop her from climbing up some lighting structure—the better to herd the models like sheep dogs. Cutrone offers a helpful tip for spotting models: "They're the tall ones with their hair done." We thought we loved Lisa Love, but now that we have Kelly Cutrone, well, we just didn't know it could be like this. LC does such a fantastic job, Kelly hires her on the spot. She and Whitney skip off triumphantly, crosscut with Heidi heading home angry after her talk with Spencer.

Last year, there was a certain amusement in such episode endings, with Lauren having fun out on the town while Heidi and Spencer endured yet another difficult dinner at their fave Mexican restaurant. But as Lauren grows bitchier, her schadenfreude is losing its pleasure. There are no good people on The Hills, only good tans. Thank god that Justin Bobby is back next week.