• Guys and dolls: Sarah Jessica Parker has joined the illustrious ranks of Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Simpson, and Paris Hilton. For just $20, you can have a blowup sex doll manufactured in SJP's likeness—should you want something like that, sicko.

• Intimate affairs: The Emperor's Club V.I.P., home to Spitzer girl Ashley Dupré, keeps on giving. Today we learn about the fun bunch behind the club's daily operations—a sexagenarian widower, his 23-year-old prep school girlfriend, a bookish Lit major, and a fledgling holistic living counselor!

• Twenty-one million gun salute: Legendary actor and onetime NRA president Charlton Heston passed away Saturday night at his home in Beverly Hills. He was 84.

WAIT, THERE'S MORE:

• Wrong number: If you're the one who's been leaving George Clooney voicemails telling him to dump girlfriend Sarah Larson, consider yourself warned. Clooney does not take this sort of thing lying down. He has hired a rent-a-cop and he is going to find you—and when he does, you'll be so f'in sorry.

• Rebel rebel: If you enjoy morning nausea and want the image of rebel billionaire Richard Branson having illicit sex burned on your brain, then by all means, this is the link for you.

• Fanning the flame: Thirty-five protesters were arrested in London on Sunday for tussling with police as the Beijing Olympic torch made its way through the city. Protesters attempted to put out the flame with a fire extinguisher at one point, but only succeeded in making the whole thing hilarious.

• Prepped: One person who won't be protesting against the Beijing Olympics is Ralph Lauren. Polo has signed on to outfit the U.S. Olympic team in preppy style. David Lauren, son of Ralph and senior vice president of advertising, marketing and corporate communication, says: "Right now our job is just to work on making America look great." Yeah, good luck with that.

• Priorities: According to Nexis, "Yoo and Fourth Amendment" have been mentioned in the media just 16 times in the last 30 days, despite last week's release of a 2003 legal memo, drafted by John C. Yoo, that adds to the mounting evidence that prisoner abuses at Abu Ghraib and Gitmo involved signals from upper-level officials. Meanwhile "Obama and bowling" have been mentioned over 1,000 times in the same period of time.

• Countdown: Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has given Yahoo three weeks to respond to a buyout offer. Ballmer, who's offering $44.6 billion for the company, says he'll go directly to shareholders if he doesn't receive a response by April 26.