Today the tabs teach us all a valuable lesson: If you get engaged and don't want to get pregnant, best avoid doctors and restaurant bathrooms. Take trips to either, and the weeklies will knock you up faster than you can say baby bump.

With all five rags reporting, it's official: Ashlee Simpson is in a family way with guyliner wearing bridge troll Pete Wentz. It all began on April 9, when Pete announced that he and his lover were betrothed; all the weeklies swore it was to be a shotgun ceremony. Pete wrote an email to MTV News stating, "There is a witch-hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged. I mean, we're engaged, that's true, and (we're) happy about it." And yet the weekly witch-hunt wages on.

In Touch says Pete accompanied Ash on a visit to Beverly Hills gyno Steve Rabin. "Pete wouldn't accompany Ashlee on such a personal appointment unless he had a good reason to be there," an unnamed friend of the couple points out. But hey, maybe the dude's way into vadge. Also back in February, Pete made a joke about knocking up Ashlee that turned out to be pretty prescient (video above).

What convinced the staffers at OK! that Ash has a baby on board was a trip to the bathroom at The Chart House Restaurant on April 12. "Ashlee made a mad dash for the bathroom ... Ashlee emerged looking nauseous and clutching her stomach. Poor Ash." OK! then goes on about the details of her morning sickness. Poor readers. We do like their whole big sis Jessica is totally jealous storyline.

Us says that Jess was "flabbergasted" when Ash broke the baby news. We don't know if this is true, but there's something special about the flabbergasted in combo with Jessica Simpson, right?

An incredibly restrained Star (which has been known to marry celebs without their permission) just mentions that there are some rumors about Ashlee being pregnant, you know. Then they find some insider/shampoo girl who hates to deal with all Jess's extensions to say, "Jessica always thought she would be happily married with children first. If Ashlee has a baby before Jessica does it will really crush her."

Meanwhile Life & Style runs Wentz's MTV rant, gets a quote from fam friend Jeremy Greene reaffirming the denial, and even gets an on-the-record "No" when they asked Ash, herself, if she was preggers. But apparently The Bauer Bunch didn't get all that date rape literature from the '80s; in Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey, "No" means your picture is splashed across the cover with oven-bunners Angelina Jolie and Jamie Lynn Spears and the headline, "Pregnancy Diaries."