March continues to be the cruelest month for celebrity gossip. Our weekly warriors are in agreement on so few things. That girl from The Hills who's not LC or the one with the bad boyfriend is apparently involved in some nudie pics quasi-scandal and everyone seems impressed that Britney Spears has managed to go several weeks without being carted away by a police entourage. But National Poetry Month is just a few days away, and we thought that we'd dust off that old MFA and sum up this week's cover stories in haiku form. Though traditionally about nature, we're totally sure that's only cuz writer cats back in the day had not yet experienced the literary potential of a Dancing With The Stars sex scandal. After the jump, pure poetry ...

Us devotes its prime spot to the year-long romance of Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal—a couple who, despite their age difference (he's 27; she's 32) and various celeb exes (Ryan Phillippe; and Kirsten Dunst, respectively), just isn't all that interesting.

Holding hands they walk
Her kids approve; her ex, too
Marriage? I'm so bored

Former party gal Nicole Richie and boyfriend Joel Madden, of Good Charlotte fame, are now all about the diaper genie, according to Life & Style's "At Home with Nicole and Joel" cover. Those teased "Exclusive Wedding Photos" aren't pics of Joel and Nicole's wedding, but of his band mate Billy Martin and hairstylist Linzi Williamson. A pulled quote from Joel's speech at the wedding says it all.

"You beat us on the
Marriage, but we got you beat
On the baby, Dude*"

*The quote doesn't actually include the word "Dude," but we needed the extra syllable for the 5-7-5, and we could totally so see him adding that.

OK! decides to go the with the puke-inducing precious "Big Girls Now!" cover about the upcoming tot-hood of Brangelina bio-babe Shiloh Jolie Pitt and TomKat Scientology project Suri Cruise. Hats off to the mag's graphic designer, btw—their photo illustration really makes it look as though the gals are holding hands.

Suri, Shy turn two
Four pages of old photos
Pretend there's story

Star plasters a pasty looking Katie Holmes on its cover and claims that Tom's main lady has been suffering horrible headaches and fainting spells because her Mission Impossible man is never around, and when he is he demands she starve herself skinny.

Such hard work it is
Being married to Tom Cruise
You get nice shoes though

Meanwhile In Touch decides that Brad Pitt and knocked-up-again Angelina Jolie are going to get married on a $200 million yacht because oldest kid Maddox keeps getting picked on at his French day-school because his mommy and daddy are living in sin. Somehow a photo box of Angie's returning curves also plays into the story.

Hitched, their own way, natch
Writing vows, just fam and friends
Glad the tits are back