It's unnecessary to load Google Maps on my phone. The poster-size photographs of splayed, blood-soaked aborted fetuses are a pretty good clue that I have arrived at the 2008 Conservative Political Action Conference. Either that or the world's most enthusiastic OBGYN convention.

The conference opens with a 1974 video clip of Ronald Reagan. David Keene, the chairman of the American Conservative Union, proclaims that the GOP must return to Reagan's principles. Columnist Robert Novak takes the stage and explains that "Reagan is everybody's favorite president," and has "faded into the mists of myth instead of reality." Five old white men praise Reagan to the skies during a panel discussion. Every other word is "Reagan"—it's like witnessing a vicious act of necrophilia.

Nearly every man in attendance is wearing an American flag pin on their lapel. They are either young, handsome Alpha Males or middle-aged, craggy-faced, grotesquely bloated men. However, the females at CPAC are overwhelmingly brunette, 20-something, and gorgeous. Say what you will about right-wingers, their chicks are hot.

Vice President Dick Cheney delivers the first major address of the day and receives a passionate standing ovation. He accuses the Democrats of surrendering to terrorists, defends "tough" interrogation techniques, and condemns "flip-flopping politicians." He demands immunity for telecommunication companies that helped the government spy on American citizens, deftly implies that Iraq had something to do with 9/11, and panders to the troops a dozen times. It sounds exactly like a 2004 campaign speech, especially when he claims that George W. Bush bases his policies on "realism, fair-mindedness, and decency." It's almost enough to inspire premature nostalgia: there are very few politicians remaining who can spout this much bullshit with Cheney's élan.

The first exhibitor downstairs is the National Black Republican Association, which proclaims on a T-shirt: "Martin Luther King Was A REPUBLICAN." The woman behind the table goes on a long rant about how "it was Democrats who started the Ku Klux Klan" and "it was Democrats who Martin Luther King was fighting," as if the political realignments of the civil rights era had never happened. This is like accusing modern Republicans of being Nazis because their predecessors opposed American entry into World War II, when in fact modern Republicans are Nazis for a million other reasons.

Dozens of bumper stickers are on sale: "I Don't Believe the LIBERAL MEDIA," "Evolution is SCIENCE FICTION," "U.S. Out of the U.N.," "The Democratic Party: The Choice of the Communist Chinese," "Republican American Christian," and "GOP: God's Official Party." Some of the bumper stickers are truly tasteless: "KFC Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, Left Wing," "Poverty will be eliminated when the stupid and lazy are eliminated," and "I'd Rather Be Waterboarded Than Vote for McCain."

There are many stars of right-wing media in attendance, including G. Gordon Liddy, Jeff Gannon, and Laura Ingraham, who tells the right-wing activists: "You guys are a different species altogether. You guys are curious artifacts." Bill Bennett, the former Education Secretary and Drug Czar—who lost millions of dollars gambling in Vegas despite the fact that he lectures everyone else about morality and self-restraint—walks through the room. He makes a comment to someone about rooting for the St. John's University basketball team. He doesn't mention the spread.

Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney takes the CPAC stage, proclaims that "Americans believe in God," blasts Democrats for their "surrender to terror," and then suspends his campaign because—get this—staying in the race would empower the terrorists by weakening Sen. John McCain. Since when is Republican demagoguery self-inflicted? Did he just accuse his campaign workers of being foot soldiers for Al Qaeda?!?

"I'm really, really upset," says a female Romney supporter. "He was the really conservative one."

How deluded is this woman? Romney was the most transparent fake in the race. He supported gay rights and pro-choice policies when he needed Democratic votes, and then changed positions on everything to get Republican votes. The Romney supporters wail that McCain is a closet liberal who hates Republican principles, but the maverick has traded in every shred of his iconoclasm. He takes the stage and feeds the base red meat on Iraq, taxes, immigration, judicial nominees, his "24-year pro-life record," and "protecting our second amendment rights" from those who want to ban "so-called 'assault weapons.'"

McCain says that our rights come from God, not the State, and then accuses Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama of wanting the terrorists to win. This is not the maverick from 2000 who blasted Jerry Falwell as an "agent of intolerance," and it's not the moderate from 2004 who urged the delegates at the Republican National Convention to keep their accusations of Democratic treason to a minimum. This is just a sour old prick with an atrocious comb-over who sings fucked-up versions of Beach Boys tunes.

There is such ubiquitous anger here. A man sneers, "Prisons should not be resorts." A woman claims that she is "very, very angry about open borders and amnesty." Another woman growls, "The militant gays are their base." And check out the reading material, which is distributed throughout the conference halls:

• "10 Reasons Why Abortion Is Wrong." Reason number one: "Abortion Offends God." According to the pamphlet, "There are no exceptions allowed, no compromises possible," and legalized abortion makes legalization possible for "same sex 'marriage' and euthanasia."
•The National Legal and Policy center blasts Wal-Mart for caving to "environmentalism, affirmative action, and homosexual rights in an attempt to quell some of the politically charged criticism." The organization also states how labor unions found "Common Cause with America's Enemies."
•The magazine Whistleblower examines "Why So Many Americans Are Embracing Witchcraft," and subsequently "sexing each other in the moonlight while summoning spirits and casting spells." The magazine's publisher concludes that Christians must never practice yoga, but instead "serve like an occupying army of love and peace until Jesus comes back to reign as king."

An activist from a Catholic group stands by a knight's helmet. He says that the modern world lacks "the whole order of principles and values that were established during the Middle Ages."

A return to medieval times? Insert your own punchline here.