NOT PUMPED Cody, in substitute flats

• Heel-in-mouth disease: Writer Diablo Cody takes her Oscar and runs for cover as the truth about her relationship to a pair of storied $1 million pumps is revealed. Turns out, she requested the diamond-crusted heels, only to puss out of wearing them at the last minute!

• Slick move, Exxon: The case of the Exxon Valdez spill opens up again, after the oil giant refuses to pay out the remaining $2.5 billion for their drunk captain's mistake.

• Anemic Academy: This year's Oscars earn the Academy the smallest television-viewing audience in the show's history.

• Stormy weather: It's all fun and games until a 16-year-old birthday boy gets shot point-blank after nailing a bystander with a wayward snowball.

• Profits, marginally: Wait, there are people making a profit on the Iraq war?

• Gennifer Flowers Hawking Clinton Affair Tapes
• The Hills is Back, Looking Better than Ever