We have nothing funny to say about Heath Ledger's death. He's our all-time favorite gay cowboy/suicidal prison guard/Grimm brother, and the whole situation's just sad. Sad, too, for the weekly warriors, given that the Brokeback actor's death came on a Tuesday afternoon—the dreaded window between the mags' closing on Monday night and newsstand delivery on Wednesday morning, a time when celebrity hijinx must be pushed back until the next issue. So the glossies stick with the trusty Spears sister act—and it's increasingly clear that the tabs are quite ready for their likely demise.

Life & Style seems to want Brit baby sis Jamie Lynn to miscarry, while Star has the 16-year-old TV-star giving her baby up for adoption, Juno-style. Well, it turns out there's not much to those miscarriage rumors, other than the bounty of docs who tell L&S that if Jamie Lynn were to drink, smoke, and carouse, she might miscarry. And as for adoption, it's more like J-Lynn is just gonna let mamma Lynne babysit—like a lot. And with her at the helm, what could go wrong?

In a cute twist, L&S has a spread begging a burning question: Is Jamie Lynn turning into Britney? They cite things like the Zoey 101 star's rising hemlines, her fights with mom, and her ability to get knocked up by a layabout man. While sister sib In Touch asks if Brit is becoming Amy Winehouse—citing things like both women's penchant for beehive hairdos, bare bellies, and ability to wear bras as shirts without irony.

According to Us, Brit terrorized some schoolchildren in Beverly Hills when she showed up claiming to be there to pick up her kids ... then later claiming to be there to pick up someone else's kids. Administration officials were a bit skeptical, and Britney was not allowed to leave with anyone's kids.

The British accent actually scored quite a bit of ink this week. OK! concentrates on the negative effect Brit's new sound is having on her children. According to one friend of K-Fed, "the boys are starting to sound like Britney and Sean has been speaking with a British lilt! ... Kevin thinks he even detects a slight accent in Jayden's voice." Dude, Jayden James is like 16 months old! Is he chirping out "Mum Mum" instead of "mamma?" In Touch, however, is quite impressed that the southern songstress was able to maintain the dialect while screaming at photogs outside a Macy's on January 13.

But what impressed the tab even more was when a chambermaid at the Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills revealed/sold the tidbit that Britney had scrawled in red lipstick the phrase I'm Not Crazy on the bathroom mirror of her hotel room. What impresses us is that the mag resisted the urge to write, Redrum, Redrum and do a box asking if Britney Spears is becoming Danny Lloyd.