BRING IT Keyes (Photo: Getty Images)
Alan Keyes wants to kick Mitt Romney's Mormon ass. There could be no other conclusion for those watching Keyes repeatedly scorch his Republican presidential contender Romney at a rally Wednesday night just outside Des Moines.

Before a crowd of about 30 (including a young couple that drove over 130 miles after being dazzled by Keyes' speech in Council Bluffs earlier in the day), Keyes unleashed a paean of scorn on the powers that be, with Romney drawing the most fire. His voice laced with contempt, Keyes fulminated against Romney's history of supporting abortion and elementary school sex education.

"Who was on the other side ridiculing the poor parents ... who were outraged that their children were being taught explicit sexual practices in their grammar schools?" Keyes asked. "It was Mitt Romney. I can't forget this. I can't look at his money or his smarmy little manner and see anything but the man who spit in the face of decent parents and pro life people in Massachusetts, who demoralized them and broke their hearts when they were standing up for their families."

Keyes then declared "Mitt Romney is a phony" and that his victory at tonight's Iowa caucus would be a wholly unwelcome "confirmation that manipulation and lies work and that we as a people will never hear the truth from a politician."

But don't get us wrong. There was plenty of Keyes spit leftover for others!

• Fred Thompson: "A stooge for "corporate oligarchs"

• John McCain: "Awful"

• Rudy Giuliani: "This [his campaign] is a joke."

• Mike Huckabee: "Bill Clinton liberal" and "sell-out Socialist."

• Pat Robertson: "The very idea of Pat Robertson now disgusts me."

• The "Ungodly" Media: "They are liars. Did I say that word? I'll say it again. They are liars."

• Barack Obama: "A ruthless, cold-blooded ideologue.... No conscience. No decency."

• President Bush: "There was a time when we had presidents who had some guts. Now we have presidents who are bureaucrats who read manuals and who don't even have the guts to tell the people the truth."

Keyes took third place in the 2000 Iowa caucus with 14 percent of the vote and claimed that his performance at a debate last month "apparently resonated greatly with the people who were watching," launching him from "nowhere to the equal of Ron Paul in a single night."