Less than 48 hours before the South Carolina Republican primary, former pastor/Arkansas governor/fatty Mike Huckabee made a brief appearance at a Clemson University rally Thursday, one of seven campaign events scheduled throughout the state. Huckabee took the opportunity to announce his future cabinet members, hence to be referred to as "Smith & Wesson," with full-time side-kicker Chuck Norris as Secretary of Defense, and 16-time World Wrestling Federation Champion Ric "The Nature Boy" Flair as Director of Homeland Security. (Fellow washed-up celebrity endorser The Nuge reportedly had a scheduling conflict.)

Radar offers a round-up of the event, á la Chuck Norris Facts, for your Friday afternoon convenience:

FACT: Of the seven African Americans in attendance, Huckabee flunkies carefully positioned five among the student supporters onstage so the cameras could easily find them.

FACT: With Huckabee running more than 40 minutes late, spooky 19-year-old hucksarmy.com bloggers the Harris twins took the mic to tell once more how they persuaded Chuck Norris to endorse their candidate. The junior Jesus freaks then announced to the audience, "We're gonna make it rain in this auditorium." If only. Not one dollar bill was thrown into the air. The crowd played along with Rod and Todd's time-killing activity, then hijacked the moment with the Clemson Tigers cheer.

FACT: Flag flip-flopper David Beasley, former governor of South Carolina, introduced Ric Flair (insert obligatory "Wooooooooooooo!"), local politicos, and ... CHUCK NORRIS! The crowd went bananas as the Texas Ranger repeated his Huckabee conversion story before inviting the crowd to join him for a barbecue at his ranch this Sunday via a "virtual webcast," whatever that is. While Chuck talked, his leathery fembot wife Gina kept whispering in his ear. Shades of the Manchurian Candidate.

FACT: Ric Flair (Wooooooooooooo!) looked like he'd been left in the tanning bed overnight. His bottle-blond locks, drawn back in his trademark drunk-rockabilly manner, captivated onlookers like they did lo those many years ago. The Natureboy kept it short and sweet, reminding the assembled "To be the man, you have to beat the man!" Whatever that means.

FACT: Reports of there being between 2,500 and 3,000 people at the rally are gross overstatements. Not even if you counted Huckabee campaign staff and hangers on, Clemson cops, small children, and members of the press corps would you get close to that number.

FACT: A vote for Huckabee is a vote for sub-Hootie frat rock. Band Mae West massacred covers of the Spin Doctors' "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong" and "Pocketful of Kryptonite," Pearl Jam's "Yellow Ledbetter," and BTO's "Taking Care of Business" before the candidate strapped on his axe to play the national anthem of the South: "Sweet Home Alabama."

FACT: Huckabee admitted that he knew the crowd came out for Ric Flair and Chuck Norris, then announced Chuck Norris will be his Secretary of Defense and Ric Flair will be Director of Homeland Security. "Or as they will be known in Washington: Smith & Wesson." He warned, "If you don't vote for me, they take you out."

FACT: Earnest young Huckabee supporters Matt and Jared have the power to drive supporters from the building. The folksinging duo, who have been posting pro-Huck song parodies to YouTube for months, debuted their latest, "Huckabee Voter," to the tune of "Honky Tonk Woman." Their rewritten lyrics to "Mrs. Robinson," now "Mr. Huckabee," end up being the afternoon's most explicit mention of God. They don't scan:

"Coo coo cachoo, Mr. Huckabee / Jesus would choose you if he could vote / Oh oh oh / God bless you please, Mr. Huckabee / The White House holds a place for those who pray / Hey hey hey, hey hey hey"

FACT: The din of fleeing Chuck Norris fans drowned out the candidate's one moment of candor. Pointing out that the warbling boys were wearing Clemson Tigers T-shirts under their white oxfords, Huckabee confided: "In politics we call that 'pandering.' Whatever it takes."

FACT: "Chuck Norris doesn't plow. He looks at the field and the rows get in order." Huckabee recycled an old sermon about two fellas from New York City who come south to try and farm. When a heckler interrupted him, the Christian candidate failed to turn the other cheek, saying, "When you run for president, I'm gonna interrupt you," before telling the crowd, "He's gonna be a doctor. That's what's scary. He's a real cut-up already." The former minister took up his parable again, but the momentum was lost.