• Throw another car on the barby, mate: Australia's premier party dude, Corey Worthington, 16, gets hassled by a right bitchy newscaster after he's busted throwing a rager of Dionysian (or at least Watts Riots) proportions while his parents are on vacation. Cars were destroyed, and the cops dispatched. Total damage: $20K. Newscaster: "Why don't you take your glasses off and apologize?" Corey, shirtless, nipple-pierced: "Mmmm, nah. Nah. I'll leave these on. I like them." Us, too!

• A new French First Lady?!: Rumors are swirling that French President Nicolas Sarkozy has wed his rather delicious-looking strumpet GF Carla Bruni.

• Criss-crossed: If you're looking to blame somebody who's not Britney for the star's dreadful comeback appearance last year, all Magic 8-Balls say you should look no further than Criss Angel. The magician laments having missed the opportunity to levitate her above an MTV Awards audience and "transform her into birds" in some sort of "epic tableau." Which would have without a doubt sent her life careening in a completely different direction.

• Axis of Evil: In a move that's sure to make Condi Rice pencil in "plastic bags" between North Korea and Libya, Dubya's model niece Lauren is taking a stand against the "evil" environmental scourge.

• Hairsay: News about date rape, war deaths, and gang violence is more attractive when served with overstyled bob haircuts.