As it turns out (and as was widely expected), Britney Spears's new beau is nothing more than a glorified cabana boy. Paparazzo Adnan Ghalib sets the bar high, though—not quite mooching like K-Fed, but plenty content with taking free rent, free meals, and all the photo ops in the world in exchange for keeping her Malibu manse spotless and carting Britney all over town. But don't let those booze stains on her blouse fool you: Britney knows what she's doing. From Ghalib's recent £20,000 sale of photos of the couple, she took a large chunk of the cash for herself.

Adding to what she's earning from her enterprising cabana boy is the continued, if enigmatic, relevance of her musical career. She's sold in excess of 10,000 copies of her latest single, "Piece of Me," in the UK to end up at number two this week. Are you listening, Ghalib? It might be time to ask for a raise.

Or perhaps her hand in marriage? Britney is reportedly making plans to marry Ghalib in either a Scientologist ceremony (she's already been pigging out at their Sunday buffets) or an Islamic ceremony (in Pakistan? Who can say?). This is bad news for her parents, but good news for the rest of us: A burqa would cover up the back-fat she unveiled at the VMAs last year.