MAMMA'S MADNESS Spears

As the country quietly slumbered off the prospect of a diet-mad evangelic loon becoming president, Britney Spears and son Jayden James were hospitalized after paramedics arrived at the tortured star's Los Angeles home early Friday. Oh, and those paramedics? They came after the cops, who were called following Britney's refusal to hand her children over to Kevin Federline's bodyguard. (Bodyguard?! Okay, sure).

No confirmed word yet as to the reason for the hospitalizations, but some reports claim that the mental anguish of the hostage-like baby hand-over led to an "unknown substance" buffet for Britney. The scene of the, well, tragedy more closely resembled an Olympic torch-lighting ceremony for its flashbulb-ery. At the hospital, Brit's Pop-pop, Jamie, showed. So did K-Fed. So did, um, Sam Lutfi.

Britney is now said to be undergoing a mental evaluation, and all signs point to her ultimately losing custody of the boys forever.... So we suppose we'll be updating this in a bit, no matter the long-term cost to our still-blackening souls.

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