Do all of Britain's female cops have extraordinarily large rumps, or is it just their unflattering pants? This is a matter you should be pondering, according to our favorite English tab, which reports that the lady officers are outraged that they're forced to wear unflattering, high-waisted trousers reminiscent of the sort of thing American Idol cad Simon Cowell usually sports. They fear that the pants make them look like beefy orcs, and their male colleagues seem to concur. According to the rag, "One West Midlands PC said: 'My friend made a comment when I joined the service that all policewomen have fat behinds. I had to explain that it's not their bums—it's the trousers.'"

And it's not just the Cowell-esque pants, which accentuate largish stomachs and turn backsides from pert molehills into mountains that have them steaming. "The stab vests are apparently extremely uncomfortable for those with larger chests," the piece instructs, going on to say that a grassroots movement against all things fugly has led to demands for new designs for the crime-fighting women, with help on the way from the London College of Fashion. Anything is better than Cowell-bum, certainly, though it does seem unlikely the she-pigs will follow in the pointy footsteps of their Italian sisters and wear stilettos as they bust crime gangs and save puppies from wells. Which is a shame, really.