We were (understandably) shaken to the very core by the possibility that, come next Monday's Hills finale, Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag could become just another quaint pop culture footnote, like Summer's Eve or Jason Priestly. Could their vapid puppy love finally hit the skids as Heidi's dream Barbie wedding is postponed into fake-engagement oblivion? Or can it be saved, by, for instance, the offering of a suitably cheesy peace token?

When we happened upon this listing for The Gamerator, a shiny arcade machine that comes with 1,000 online games, a 26-inch HDTV screen, and a built-in pony keg and tap (all the better to play asshole video games while you drink), it suddenly became clear. This device is the technological equivalent of Pratt himself: shiny, heart-crushingly obnoxious, and—inexplicably—in demand. So, Heidi, can we suggest you drop $4K, and do "whatever it takes" to get Spence back?

Come on, you've gotta realize the future of MTV hangs in the balance.

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