SANTA'S SLAY Santa• Inflatable Santa Massacre '07: Sixteen-year-old Christopher Morrison, of West Islip, New York, and his buddy Kevin Berding, age 20, delivered a beat-down to Joe Farrell's Christmas display in West Islip's Quincy Place neighborhood. Morrison and Berding allegedly deflated an oversize snow globe before they launched a gruesome attack on Farrell's giant inflatable Santa, slashing it in the back of its head with a screwdriver. The alleged Santa-slashers were caught when a neighbor looked out his window to see what was the matter. The neighbor let Farrell know after the airy massacre. Farrell later saw Morrison and Berding return in their SUV. He gave chase and cornered the pair on a dead-end road until police arrived. Morrison and Berding have pled not guilty to charges of fourth-degree criminal mischief. (Dec. 19, 2007)
• American Santas Have it Easy, Part 1: In Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, drug traffickers opened fire on a helicopter ferrying a Santa to a Christmas party. The traffickers may have mistaken the helicopter for a police transport. After taking at least two bullet holes in the fuselage, the helicopter returned to its base and Santa resorted to driving to his destination. He arrived unmolested to a crowd of more than 1,000 kids and parents who'd been waiting since the helicopter had to flee the flying lead. (Dec. 17/18, 2007)
• American Santas Have it Easy, Part 2: Santas touring Sherburn-in-Elmet, York, UK, have had to dodge hurled eggs and bottles. Local youths (pissed about last year's haul, or just, as the Brits say, pissed?) were said to be responsible for the assaults. The Elmet Lions Club, which sponsored the visits, declared that "If these attacks are not curtailed, Sherburn-in-Elmet will get the Christmas it deserves." (Dec. 13, 2007)
• Santa Should Carry a Taser: Dateline: Missoula, Montana—College student Clint Westwood, age 22, started the season off right when he allegedly gave Santa a snootful of pumpkin pie and said, "What do you think of that, Santa?" Westwood, a college drama student, said he videotaped the act and that he planned to use the clip in a film, tentatively titled My Crazy Life. Westwood was going to ask Santa to sign a release for the clip after the incident, but cops got to the student first. According to them, Westwood was lucky, as "Santa would have laid him out." The would-be filmmaker was charged with misdemeanor assault. (Nov.30, 2007)
• Maybe it was the Heat Miser: Spokane, Washington, firefighter Kevin Smith, age 29, was decked out in Santa gear and riding in a fire truck decorated as a sleigh during Spokane's annual "Santa Run," when a mysterious object-throwing grinch knocked him out cold. Smith's account of the incident for local reporters was succinct: "One second I was up there waving to people, and the next minute I wasn't." Santa Smith ended up with a broken nose and two black eyes for his trouble. (Dec. 15, 2007)
• 'Nad Santa: A 65-year-old man was playing Santa for the kiddies in the Danbury Fair Mall in Danbury, Connecticut, when Sandrama Lamy, age 33, allegedly groped his bag of goodies. Lamy wasn't hard to find, as the Santa told cops she was on crutches. She was arrested and charged with, among other things, sexual assault. Lamy has told the press that the report was "false," and that she didn't "have any idea" why it was made. (Dec. 19, 2007)