It should come as no surprise to the female half of the species to hear that a man secretly prefers a woman who, plastered in makeup, refuses carbs after 2 p.m. and silently pretends to sip martinis at Koi to those who go "natural." Still, it's kind of sad to read all the gory details. The London Times chronicles the personal saga of a British screenwriter who commutes between L.A. and the UK, only to find British women seriously lacking in the grooming department. On a date with one of his countrywomen back in London, writer Tad Safran observes: "At dinner, I found myself sitting opposite something that surely would have been happier hunting for truffles in the forests of France or grazing on the grassy marshlands of Canada."

But just when we were about to get outraged at Safran for likening English ladies to orcs from The Lord of the Rings, we thought of dear Amy Winehouse, who does, indeed, look like something out of J.R. Tolkien's imagination these days.

Safran notes in his piece that he is single, and does, to his credit, gripe a bit about all the L.A. babes who demand to know his salary within 30 seconds of meeting him. In addition to being wildly misogynistic (if even kind of right), his greatest claim to fame is a credit as a writer on the British children's program The Magic Roundabout, which perhaps explains why he's having trouble establishing himself as a transatlantic Casanova. Dude: This is America. If you haven't at least written some asinine cop movie, you just might have to settle for one of those fuzzy orcs.