UNHOLY SHIT Teddy, Prophet

The long and tortuous ride for Gillian Gibbons, the British school teacher jailed by the Sudanese government for flagrantly allowing her native seven-year-old students to name the class teddy bear Muhammad, is finally winding down. But in the scandal's foul-smelling wake, Beef of the Week's left to consider who fared victorious in the battle between the supple, libelous Teddy Muhammad and the most precious Prophet Muhammad.

At the beginning of the week, tensions were high, with Sufi teddy-protesters shouting over hoarse Darfur-ists and rapacious Janjaweedos, decrying the 15-day jail sentence issued Ms. Gibbons for the crime of blaspheming his holiness as too lenient. Prophet Muhammad, somewhere high above, was looking on with unease about how far his derelict disciples would take the incident. Teddy Muhammad, meanwhile, was in custody somewhere, probably waterboarding.

Now, Britons are renowned for both their callous senses of humor and their occasionally pathological propriety, and with Teddy Muhammad-gate we got bright examples of each. Mocking T-shirts were printed and eBay was stocked with assorted plush-etries. Ms. Gibbons effused at the gorgeousness of the Sudanese people, prison staff, and hillside, while English comics whipped up as many base puns as they could. Dire straits indeed for the group repping the Prophet.

And of course the comics were right. In the end, the image of Muhammad as teddy is indelible and hilarious. And Sudan's always sorta pissed, making for an easy target. As such, the Sudanese Muhammad Mob doesn't really work as the face of the Prophet. Disregarding Ms. Gibbons' responsibility for teaching her students their culture, Teddy Muhammad, by contrast, has as his face a class of children too young to know from religious effrontery. And toddlers, generally—not always, but generally—win out over floggings or death by fanatic lynch mob.

But wait! Offensive Teddy Muhammad replicas have since been yanked by eBay, lending whispers to a Muhammad victory. Sure, Ms. Gibbons is safely back and laughing nervously in England, but only because she was booted from Sudan by President Omar al-Beshir—packing unemployment. Seems Muhammad's got some wind left after all. And really, how often do you see Muhammad's likeness fucked with? The answer: rarely. It's just not worth the international hassle. So maybe Muhammad's defense team, despite their many, many inadequacies, are doing right by him? (We don't think so, we're just saying.)

Beef of the Week is non-denominational, if not outright atheistic (oh, calm down). Which is only to say we don't really care in battles of faith. But truth told, Radar's only real affection is for teddies that are of the slinky negligee variety.

Victory to Muhammad.

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