• Slash course: A Roxbury, Connecticut, teacher, upon hearing "Welcome to the Jungle" over her school's loudspeaker after hours, flashes back to 1989 with visions of Morgan Freeeman vehicle Lean on me (clip above). Cops are called and the culprits—a janitor and friends—are cuffed, but a refrain of "You're Gonna Die!" will ring loud in this tortured woman's head for low-paying semesters to come.

• New year's resolution: Late night hosts, including Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien, may be back on the air in January, likely sick of bankrolling their non-writing staffers' salaries during the strike.

• Fire crotch: Desperate Housewives' Marcia Cross demands the return of over 200 nude photos that had allegedly been thrown out and discovered by garbage men and "prove definitively that the carpet does match the curtains."

• Retirement plans: President Bush responds to the Mitchell Report by lamenting that "steroids have sullied the game"—by the way, he's available in January. Maybe earlier.

• Slut Barf, Cribshitter, etc.: The Onion's AV Club runs down the worst band names of '07. We kind of dig Fixed Gears Are For Jerks And Lesbians (warning, NSFW for front-page denim-defying nut shot).