It's a hodgepodge on the glossy covers this week. Life & Style has gunshots at the Jolie-Pitt place; Us has lawsuit-inducing plastic surgery speculation; OK! has a very boring Christmas special with Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo (perhaps the mag got the exclusive as a payback for the nudie pics of the couple they bought to not run).

So this week we're going to dedicate this space to two "actresses" better known for their breasts, who seem to desperately want some ink—Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Apparently Cowboys QB Tony Romo made a pass, and Jessica Simpson was a wide-open receiver (sports were involved; we tried). After the two spent Thanksgiving with her family in Waco, Texas, last month, the couple went clubbing Saturday and In Touch was there! The Bauer bunch managed to sneak a reporter into Hollywood hot spot Teddy's, where the poor scribe was forced to watch Jess make out with new publicity stunt, we mean boyfriend, Tony until two a.m. at Cacee Cobb's birthday party. Coming up briefly for air, Jess announced exclusively to the mag, "I'm having a great time!"

Us remarks that Tony is a big spender splurging on the check for the entire 12-person party; when you've just signed a $67.5 million contract, that 90 percent table service mark-up on a bottle of Grey Goose must seem totally reasonable.

Life & Style does a box comparing Jess to Tony's ex Carrie Underwood, then tracks down the Cowboy's college sweetheart in nowhere, Illinois; she claims the quarterback is "not as outgoing as you think." Dis.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Love Hewitt got engaged to some actor no one has ever heard of, then flashed her ring and ginormous size 2 ass all over Maui.

According to Us, Ross McCall gave Ms. Hewitt a ring that had been in his fam for more than 100 years (icky yellow gold is involved), and Jen is prepared for wedding planning, "I've read the bridal magazines every single month since I was 14," she says.

Star claims the bride-to-be is in a family way, which might explain those pics of a bikini-clad Jennifer looking as though she weighs only 20 pounds less than the average woman—a regular Hollywood heifer!

This is the moment where celeb suck-up OK! truly shines, giving the former Party of Five-r two whole pages for her curvy cutie manifesto. "[My boobs] have done me proud and I'm proud of them!" J. Love proclaims. "To all the girls with butts, boobs, hips, and a waist, put on a bikini—put it on and stay strong!"

Next week back to Angie and Brad brokering world peace and saving the world's orphans. Promise.