QUEENS OF THE HO AGE Queen Elizabeth, assorted Spices
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The Spice Girls are primarily to blame for the decline of Western Culture, says British novelist Fay Weldon, the author responsible for such chick-lit masterpieces as The Bulgari Connection, Life and Loves of a She Devil, and The Fat Woman's Joke. Not only are they terrible musicians, she claims, but they spawned a generation of binge drinking, materialistic, STD-addled, sexually promiscuous tanorexics.

In a cranky diatribe decrying their comeback tour, Weldon writes, "Seeing them strutting about the stage in weird Bacofoil-style corsets—like trussed-up festive turkeys—in Canada this week, I found myself wishing this reunion had never taken place. I was embarrassed for them. I also feel embarrassed for myself. And for feminism and for Britain."

And what's more, the five pop-tarts aren't even sexy, says Weldon: "They may brandish the whips and tight leather costumes of the S&M dungeon on stage, but the act just comes across as risible.... The attempt at eroticism doesn't work.... For all the lighting tricks and clever camera angles (or, indeed, perhaps because of them), it remains as sexy as second-rate soft porn."

If the fact that the aging Spice Girls can't at least emulate first-rate soft porn isn't a sign of the apocalypse, we're not sure what is.