KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM Salomon, Angel
(Photo: Getty Images)
In the Beef of the Week that follows, it's less about declaring a winner than it is us coming away unscathed, dignity intact, with the perhaps futile hope that our appetite might soon return. It's safe to say nobody wins.

So there were three: Criss Angel, Rick Salomon, and Pamela Anderson-Salomon, an trio it's usually best to avoid come the holidays—be they alone or in cahoots. But then, news of a Pam/Rick divorce spread, and certain (not these) eyebrows stood at attention. Somehow, somehow, that Aqua Net-heavy prick Criss Angel was involved. Would wonderfully tangy 30-something Pam really screw around on her husband of two months ... with a magician? Oh wait. Her husband is Rick Salomon.

Suddenly everything was possible, and nothing made us feel any better about anything.

Because Criss and Pam were spotted cavorting at pap-swarmed Club LAX the night before Pam's final performance with fellow trickster Hans Klok, and because in many circles people still jerk off to the idea of Pam making herself available for further trysts, the story quickly got back to poker ace Salomon—who reportedly channeled Kid Rock in a fit of jealousy. Anderson, you'll remember, doesn't take kindly to that sort of aggressive leashing, so she went to her MacBook, found the "DIVORCE PROCEEDINGS" folder on her desktop, opened up a .pdf version of divorce papers, promptly filled them out, and e-filed.

Spies claim nothing happened between Angel and Anderson, but perhaps there was a memory hex involved? Rohypnol? Criss has declined to comment, clearly ducking the rough-and-tumble likes of Salomon. Angel, it should be said, only wears tough guy gear. His mitts were made for mystery, not tangling.

Still, it's a spat so unavoidable it's akin to peeking disconcertingly into the toilet bowl after grappling with last night's Chile Relleno feast. Criss and Rick: A curse on both your houses.