LOVE CONNECTION Anna in 2004, Larry, Britney
It was reported yesterday that lonely single dad Larry Birkhead, of Anna Nicole Smith, Danniellyn, and possible gay-sex-with-rival Howard K. Stern fame, announced to In Touch his burgeoning crush on auntie-to-be Britney Spears. Having promptly vomited up what was left of the weekend's Riesling and devils-on-horseback, and sadly having no back-up for either, Radar settled the delirium tremens for a quick moment to dig in and see if Brit might meet that fabled Birkhead criteria. For this tale of the tape, we traveled back in time and used the Anna of 2004, that magical year she first caught Birkhead's sketchy eye.

Let's help you find that lost spotlight, Larry!

Age
Vickie Lynn Hogan, aka Anna Nicole Smith: 37
Britney Jean Spears: 26

Hair
ANS: Platinum, epic
BS: Grownout-buzz beneath fields of weave

Profession
ANS: Stripper, model, actress, geriatric joy giver, clown
BS: Mouseketeer, singer, glossy fodder, aunt-in-waiting

Baby count
ANS: 1 (a second, Danniellynne, currently learning to sign her signature in order to hand inheritance over to her father, Larry Birkhead)
BS: 2 (at time of post)

Mother issues
ANS: Extremely deep. Mother blames Anna in grandson Daniel's death.
BS: Extremely deep. Brtiney serves mother papers in order to keep her away from her baby boys.

Marital history
ANS: Widowed, billionaire Howard Marshall
BS: Divorced, dancer Kevin Federline

Worth
ANS: On her own, about $720K; with hubby's postmortem fortune, upwards of $450M
BS: Pulls over $700K per month, topping $100M total

Apparel
ANS: Guess, trashy chic
BS: Trashy

Potential competitive suitors
ANS: Her lawyer, Howard K. Stern
BS: Assistant Sam Lufti,, DJ J.R. Rotem, Ex K-Federline

Politics
ANS: Rumors once swirled that the president was going to the plate to get her similarly rich, similarly Texan oil man husband's fortune after his death. That counts as pals.
BS: "Honestly, I think we should just trust [President Bush] in every decision that he makes and we should just support that, you know, and be faithful in what happens."

Acting skill press clips
ANS: As "Lucy," in Illegal Aliens: "She does not distinguish herself, even grading on the bimbo curve"—Flickphilosopher
BS: Also as "Lucy," in Crossroads: "Though far from a compelling screen presence, Ms. Spears is unaffectedly likable, and in the one scene that requires her to cry, the tears seem to flow naturally"—NYT

Fun quote
ANS: "It's very expensive to be me. It's terrible the things I have to do to be me."
BS: "I'm rich, freakin' rich. It's crazy."

Pretty close, Lawrence. You have impeccable—or least defined—taste. But considering Britney's leanings, can you give us your tattoo count? Learn to DJ? Sag your suit pants for court dates? Can you impregnate someone simply by being in the same general vicinity of them? If so, we can't wait for the wedding.