• Amy Fisher's birthday suit: The former Long Island Lolita sues her ex-cop ex-husband for selling what she says is a private sex tape to a company that planned to distribute the tape in August 2007. Joey Buttafuoco reportedly vows not to sue if anyone releases a sex tape of him. Please?

• Shade of pale:
Looking albino and airbrushed, Michael Jackson hijacks the cover of Ebony magazine.

• Bathroom stall fantasies: Original Hairspray director John Waters dreams of making a movie about Larry Craig and the bathroom stall. We dream of watching that movie.

• No con do: Remember when a guy with a felony record, for, say, dealing coke, could ride the coattails of a candidate into office? Another reason Fred Thompson is no Reagan.

• A light in the doghouse: A ray of sunlight in the black existence of Duane Dog Chapman: he won't be extradited to Mexico, where they often confuse "bounty hunting" with "kidnapping."

• A royal pain: Prince attacks his fans for tribute pages on the Web, going as far as demanding "removal of fan's own photographs of their Prince-inspired tattoos and their vehicles displaying Prince-inspired license plates." Fans band together, create a new website, princefansunited.com, to salvage their First Amendment rights.