BREAST PICTURE Jolie
Hey, did you hear? Beowulf, director Robert Zemeckis's epic fantasy opening today, stars Angelina Jolie's big golden boobs. Sure, they're touched up, and, yes, they seem to be missing an essential breast component, but these are Angelina's boobs we're talking about. And so are reviewers. How does the critical reception to the world's hottest woman's digitized breasts stack up? Like this:

• James Verniere, Boston Herald: "[H]ot-bodied Jolie ... does some spectacular near-nude, 3-digital sashaying in the film, complete with whipping satanic tail, enhanced boobs and built-in stiletto heels. I must admit that the males in the theater held their collective breath when Jolie's digitized sexbomb made her bewitching entrance."

• Tim Robey, Telegraph [UK]: "Angelina Jolie gets digital breast implants - would they have given Einstein a bigger brain?"

• Peter Bradshaw, Guardian [UK]: "Angelina Jolie is Grendel's hot mom, a vengeful creature appearing nude from the fiery lake and swathed in Shirley Eaton gold: voluptuous, but without that important secondary sexual characteristic which would have allowed her to breast-feed." [Ed Note: Nipples]

• Mary F. Pols, Mercury News: "She's buxom and so carefully buffed that her privates look like Barbie's. (Wouldn't you expect someone as politically correct as Jolie to have told Zemeckis, 'If you want my boobies, the rest of me better be anatomically correct'?)"

• Donald Clarke, Irish Times: "[T]he love scene between Beowulf and Angelina Jolie (very much herself as Ma Grendel) finds the actress stripped of genitals and nipples, but pumped up grotesquely in the breast area."

• Jeff Sawtell, Morning Star Online: "[W]e see a 3D shot of bulging breasts bursting out of the screen and Angelina Jolie as Grendal's seductive mum appearing in all her glory."

• Barry Paris, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette: "The violence and male and female near-nudity are as racy as a PG-13 rating will allow, accommodating Jolie's computer-generated breasts. Neither she nor Winstone's character is anatomically correct, of course. Like Barbie and Ken, there's a lot of waxing involved."

• Manohla Dargis, New York Times: "You could poke your eye out with one of those things!"