Has it really been almost a year since Hollywood's least believable couple tied the knot?

Yes, Scientology poster boy Tom Cruise and the muse behind the crazy couch jumping, Katie Holmes, will celebrate their paper anniversary on November 18, and the glossies celebrate by giving them ink and running red carpet pics of a haunted-looking Katie towering over Tom in Berlin.

Sounding more and more like that fat kid in high school who lives vicariously through her head-cheerleader best friend, OK! recounts paint-drying-ly boring details of a romantic dinner the lovebirds had last Valentine's Day and compiles a top ten list of rules that they use to keep the marriage going. Who knew a shared love of Cold Stone Creamery would keep a couple together? There's even a box of B-listers wishing the couple well. "I've met Katie and she is so nice. I hope that she has a wonderful anniversary," gushes actress Nikki Blonsky. Hmm, does the fact that Blonsky stared in Hairspray make that make that fat girl comment too mean?

Life & Style is less optimistic, devoting a whole spread to the fact Tom and Katie have separate boudoirs in their house and don't sleep in the same bed. Instead of going the obvious route with this—perhaps addressing the fact that 99 percent of Americans believe it was more likely that 18-month-old Suri Cruise is the product of alien insemination rather than a result of Tom and Katie bumping uglies—L&S finds an expert who says this separate bed-iquette is fine and dandy if the couple gets a good night's sleep.

And Star gives TomKat a full on "Torn Apart" cover, stirring up rumors about Tom and his Valkyrie co-star—a Dutch actress no one has ever hear of—and tales of the Top Gun-er getting a little too fan-friendly with a German extra. Apparently Katie's concerned Tom's keeping secrets, and if he were to leave her she'd have a vapid, empty life. "Katie left most of her old friends behind and basically let him manage her career," says a friend. "Without Tom, her life would be empty."

Hey fat friend! Tell Katie if she wants to keep Tom's eyes from a wandering, she should pull her bed over next to his.