ELLEN A HANDBASKET (Photo: Getty Images)
Housewives and waiters everywhere got a front-row seat to chatty girl Ellen DeGeneres's on-air meltdown on October 16. Normally the dancing talk-show hostess and partner Portia fly just below the tabloid radar, even with their media-approved hot lezzer status. But this week their doggie disaster—giving an adopted Brussels Griffon Terrier to Ellen's hairstylist's kid and thus breaking their adoption contract with Moms and Mutts—garners the galpals quite a bit of glossy ink.

Life & Style takes the furry cuddly route, quoting Ellen's publicist about the talk-show host's dedication to animals. "Ellen has rescued animals her whole life and finds them good homes, blah, blah, blah."

In Touch scores the coveted Ellen quote, "I will continue to rescue animals until the day I die" (at which point all of her collected animals will, once again, be given away), and has the screaming headline "Ellen Sets the Record Straight." But in a stunningly fair and un-biased twist, they also get quotes from a couple of L.A. shelter volunteers who admit that Ellen is constantly adopting puppies and kitties and then paw-ning them off on relatives. "Every time she claims it doesn't work out because the dog doesn't get along with their cats; she doesn't give it enough time."

Us focuses on radio host Howard Stern, calling Ellen's habit of adopting and dissing dogs a "cuckoo pattern." By the way, what's up with Us? A cover story about some reality star from a hundred years ago vowing to loose weight? Another about some soap actress who apparently had a family tragedy?

Because we expect nothing less, Star goes that extra mile to get the story behind the story behind the story—the story buried so deep that Ellen and Portia don't even realize it. Apparently Ellen's on-cam craziness wasn't about Iggy-pup at all, but Ellen is actually upset because Portia thinks the relationship is over. It's the 15 years Ellen has on Portia that's causing the troubles. Ellen just doesn't have the get-up-and-go in the bedroom anymore. Lesbian stars, they're just like us!