All five celebrity mags ran a pic this week of eerily hot baby Shiloh Jolie-Pitt clutching a roll of scotch tape while in mamma Angelina's arms. The implications of the tape are unclear. Among the tidbits we're being fed are that Angie is: making more babies with Brad Pitt (In Touch), breaking up with Brad Pitt (Life & Style), marrying Brad Pitt (OK!), not doing anything the other tabloids claim she's doing regarding Brad Pitt (Us).

One thing all the weeklies can agree on is that Britney Spears is not currently involved with Brad Pitt and she lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline earlier this week.

Life & Style scores a coup for having a reporter in the right club (Sutra Lounge) at almost the right time (a week before Britney was ordered to turn the kids over to Kev). They commandeer the exclusive on-the-record interview with Spears, who says, "I miss my babies when they're gone. I'm just trying to have some fun." L&S displays great restraint in not having an expert analyze how Brit's words show she's an unfit mother and/or not showing adequate concern over the future of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

OK! claims the loss of her children has devastated Britney and places her on suicide watch, while Us Weekly says the toxic poptart is all but unfazed, going tanning and out with some gal pals following the judge's October 1 ruling. (While gallivanting about, Spears did not bump into Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt).

So Brit lost the kids, total bummer, but Star thinks the stress of the situation has led to a much weightier problem. Their book-pimping fitness expert says the once svelte songbird is tipping the scales at 160 pounds! The mag then pulls the neato trick of simultaneously calling Brit a chub-o-saurus while lambasting her for using a "diet cocktail" of amphetamines, diuretics, and laxatives. They even get a doc to say laxative abuse can be fatal: "You can die. It's rare, but it does happen." (A careful reader will note that a few weeks ago, a competing publication suggested Ms. Jolie may have also been using diet pills, but that was before she was pregnant/married/divorced/none of the above).

But In Touch offers the bestest spin on the story. Apparently Brit has more troubles on the horizon as some dude she shagged in Hawaii kept the camcorder rolling during the deed, and the only thing keeping him for unleashing upon the world his One Night In Britney sex tape is that his in-the-sack performance was sub-par.

"It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out," he tells In Touch. That would never have been the case had Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie been involved.