What do mean, "Who's that Robert Haines fella running for president?" You mean Professor Robert Haines? Only the best cowboy hat-wearin', shotgun-packin', assassin-tacklin', to-jail-goin' sumbitch perennial presidential candidate you ever did see!

He'd be president already if it weren't for the friggin' cops. Back in '96, he was on a roll, having tackled the maniac who opened fire on the White House with a semiautomatic rifle (seriously). He could have won the New Hampshire primary if those jabronis at NHPD hadn't locked him up just for pulling a loaded shotgun on some guy outside a bar he'd been campaigning in. And FYI, in 2004 he finished fifth in the uncontested New Hampshire Republican primary even though he was in jail for almost the entire campaign season. How? By being smart (also by scaring a bunch of kids supporting another candidate from the best street corner in Manchester, New Hampshire, on election day).

You'd think a guy would lose some of his edginess after getting so beat down by Johnny Law, right? Wrong. According to Politico's Jonathan Martin, Haines showed up to last week's Republican debate in a seersucker jacket and cowboy hat, stood behind a plexiglass window, and "stared at us [the press corps] as we stared at our laptops and the flat-screen TVs set up showing the debate. He said nothing. For 45 minutes."

In other words, he's still bringin' it. It just sucks that nobody will call out the cops for their continued persecution of Professor Haines. The "media" will tell you he gave a thumbs-up while the cops were forcibly removing him—twice—from the premises. But of course they won't tell you about the cops' total lack of probable cause that's about to earn them a lawsuit compliments of one Professor Robert Haines.

As for his campaign? It's already been in full swing for 18 months, and Haines confirms to Radar that it's "absolutely unstoppable," just like it was in 2004.