Attention drunks, Jews, Mexicans, retards, bullies, and millionaires: You're all screwed if presidential candidate Albert "Big Al" Hamburg succeeds in his bid for the White House next year.

Any remaining Democrats who somehow fall outside of these targeted demographics, however, may find themselves intrigued by this decorated war hero who would pull U.S. troops out of Iraq while renewing the national focus on liberal causes such as cop-beating, fornicating, and stopping "school bullying of litler [sic] kids."

Big Al's platform, which includes mandatory sterilization of drunks, illegal aliens, and the mentally retarded, a heavy dose of Jew-blaming, and the seizure of all incomes over $1 million, is complemented by considerable campaign experience (he's been running for one office or another since 1972) and a distinct fighting man spirit (his son reports that the Korean War vet had to re-enlist for Vietnam under his brother's name because he'd "beat up some cops"). Underscoring this tenacity are his felony conviction for election fraud and his legendary court battle against some chick who reneged on her promise to screw him 50 times in return for an automobile.

Big Al's son tells Radar that the campaign has yet to extend beyond pamphleteering in the areas surrounding Hamburg's Wyoming HQ, and that it's likely to stay that way unless the campaign starts hauling in some cash. Though Hamburg has empty campaign coffers, according to FEC reports, and no Web presence that might aid his fundraising efforts, Radar's political team nonetheless feels confident in projecting the house painter and junkyard artist as a virtual lock to outperform Woofer D. Coyote, the dog who, at Big Al's behest, ran for president in 1984, and Sandra Snakey, his pet bull snake who made a bid for Congress in 2000.

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