SPOILED JUICE? Simpson
Like Lazarus resurrected from a tomb of who-gives-a-shit, O.J. Simpson returned to relevance this week, not as a Hall of Fame running back or Leslie Nielsen's wise-cracking sidekick, but as the raging criminal who so perfectly personified the 1990s.

With the simple act of allegedly forcing open a hotel door, allegedly wielding a hand gun, and throwing around f-bombs like they were skinny white women, the Juice supplanted news of attorney general hirings and huge lawsuits with his patented brand of bat shit insanity.

Though he may be beyond all hope, though there may be no redeeming this man, though PR, to OJ, will soon stand primarily for Prison Recreation, several high-powered PR agents have offered their advice to the Juice in a last ditch effort to bring him back from the brink. Among the gaggle are Matthew Traub of Dan Klores Communications, Ronn Torossian of 5WPR, and Frank Kauffman of Edelman PR.

O.J. Simpson, you're in the PR/ER!!

Shut the hell up
TOROSSIAN: "I think Johnny Cochran would be turning in his grave. We always tell our clients not to speak to the media. The fact that he's speaking to the media is craziness."

Get a reality show
TRAUB: "About the only hope O.J. has for work in the public eye is to join in making a mockery of himself. And the wonders of reality television make it possible for anyone—almost regardless of past sins—to make fools of themselves in bizarre and demeaning situations. Maybe he can do a season of Surreal Life (that's a joke by the way)."

Play some golf
KAUFMANN: "O.J. would do well to confine his activities to the golf course, where the only trouble he could get into would be a sand trap."

Just give up
TOROSSIAN: "This guy has got to be the definition of America's biggest fool. O.J. Simpson is beyond all hope for any sort of rehab in the public's eye. I don't think there is a PR firm on earth that will take him on. The nail was already in the coffin. There's simply no redeeming O.J. It's impossible."

TRAUB: "Don't worry so much about PR since you have no hope of rehabilitating your image. The good news about this incident is that all hope was pretty much lost back in the mid-90s, so I'm not sure this one does much additional harm. With apologies to Jim Morrison, O.J.'s been down so goddamn long, this looks like up to him."