Here's the story of Owen Wilson, a funnyman who made the world laugh, charming us with poop jokes and on-screen titty grabs. On the inside, however, he was weeping, fighting demons of addiction, depression, and an incomplete 10-year plan. One day it all became too much for the poor Butterscotch Stallion (as Star mag insists on calling him), so he took a handful of pills and sawed ("superficially" Life & Style notes) into his wrist. That might have been the end of Owen, if his brother (whether it was older bro Andrew or kid brother Luke depends on if you read Us Weekly or In Touch) hadn't found him in his underwear and called 911.

And while Owen and his family respectfully ask for privacy, all five weeklies respectfully decline. Furthermore, the glossies are in unparalleled unanimous agreement: That bitch Kate Hudson is to blame!

Less than 24 hours before Owen's suicide attempt on Aug. 26, pics surfaced of his recent ex Kate sucking face with new boy toy Dax Shepard in a grocery store produce section (the meat counter, maybe, but the veggies?). This results in much speculation from the tabs bullpen of experts and "insiders" about how much Butterscotch loved his You, Me, and Dupree costar and was unable to deal with the fact that she'd moved on.

Newly hardcore OK! gets the badgering-the-family award for tracking down a "tearful" Luke Wilson and getting the uninspired, but on-the-record, "I don't know," when asked if Owen would be okay.

Star's blow-by-blow account of the EMT's arrival at Owen's house suggests that some Santa Monica paramedic might be a little bit richer and a wee bit guilty of violating patient confidentiality.

But like a good shrink, US Weekly really digs into root causes like O's drug use and unsavory friends. They have Woody Harrelson staging an intervention for Owen back in May. They've got Samuel L. Jackson hovering over Owen's hospital bedside—What the mother-fucking fuck where you thinking, mother fucker?—but mostly importantly they get paragraphs upon paragraphs from Courtney Love, because she's always a source of repute and truth. Love has been linked romantically in the past with English actor Steve Coogan, who in turn is being linked back in today's papers as an alleged drug partner of Owen. Actually, drug use, suicide, unsavory characters ... we take back the sarcasm—she is the perfect source.