Looks like the cast of MTV's The Hills has studied and memorized Fame for Dummies. What else could explain the textbook "look at me!" behavior exhibited by Spencer Pratt, Heidi Montag, and Lauren Conrad over the last week leading up to the premiere of the series' third season? Lauren filed a six-page rant about her costars in Us Weekly, while Spencer and Heidi have been making the rounds on radio programs to publicly dis L.C.'s "beef curtains" and promote their own projects. They've phoned in quotes to celebrity blogs, written scathing posts on their own sites, and generally made every effort to start an all-out war in the press.

We were quick to assume this was all an elaborate publicity stunt for the "reality" show, but a publicist who represents a recurring character on The Hills tells Radar that the drama is "pathetic, but unfortunately legit," and that the two camps really do have tremendous beef off-camera as well as on.

Still, we can't help but focus on Pratt, whose fame seems so calculated you could plot his every move. So after the jump, we do just that, with the Five-point Pratt Plan for Fame. We're not recommending it, but any young wannabe who hopes to be universally disliked in a year (and set up a subsequent slide into obscurity) should take note.

1. Insert yourself as a controversial character on a highly rated reality show by repeatedly cheating on its star. Deny infidelities later
"Heidi is the love of my life, but I was a little immature " Spencer told Ryan Seacrest on-air this week. "You gotta realize that I went on that [date] to Pinkberry with Audrina [Patridge] just so that Heidi would find out. I never in my wildest dreams ever thought Audrina was remotely cute. That was a play to get Heidi."

2. Convince the show's star to settle down with you, then creepily take over every aspect of her life and career
Spencer convinced Heidi to move in with him at the end of last season, and shortly after the couple were engaged at the young ages of 23 and 20 (they have expressed interest in a spin-off show about their wedding). Spencer also stepped in as Heidi's manager, publicist, and agent, and has produced several tracks on her upcoming debut album and (reportedly) convinced her to get plastic surgery on her nose and breasts, shaping her into perfect L.A. material. "We don't have publicists," Pratt told Seacrest, explaining why he often speaks for Heidi.

3. Start a public war with another of the show's stars, call her out as a "lowlife" if possible
Pratt kept mum on the Lauren Conrad/Heidi feud until shortly before the third season publicity push, when he posted a long rant about L.C. on his new blog, calling the reality star "beef curtains," and a failed fashion designer. He says this was a response to her comments about him in Us Weekly, telling Seacrest that "I get heated and go from 0 to 1,000. [She published] literally a hate piece. And I was like, woooo, I can play this game too!" He also told Q102's Booker Show that "She's a douche. It's like, go get your own boyfriend!"

4. Alienate your best friend, aka the person who made you famous to begin with
Pratt rode the coattails of Brody Jenner to get on The Hills, meeting Heidi and the rest of the cast through Jenner's connections with Conrad and ex-Laguna Beach star Kristin Cavallari. He also contributed to a profile of Jenner in Details earlier this year, stirring conflict by calling Jenner's one-time girlfriend Nicole Richie a "skinny bitch" (an act that would later get him in trouble with Richie's baby daddy Joel Madden). Now, Pratt says he wants nothing to do with Jenner, because he still talks to Conrad. "That friendship is over," he told Q102. "It's like Bush and Cheney, and you wouldn't see Cheney rolling with Bin Laden in the club."

5. If all else fails, play the grandma card
"My grandma loves me," Pratt told Seacrest, insinuating that he has been wrongly portrayed by the media. "I watch the show, and I would hate me too. But if we called my grandma right now, you would know she wears a button with my face on it that says 'I'm Spencer Pratt's grandma.' I swear. She loves the show."