Do Photoshopped ejaculate stains on stolen paparazzi snaps make for compelling television? Perez Hilton better hope so, because he's not exactly a natural in front of the camera. The uneasy and embarrassed "Queen of All Media" appeared on The View today to announce that he'll be starring in a series of one-hour VH-1 specials titled What Perez Sez, only to be given a spanking by "Elisabitch" Hasselback, "Whooping" Goldberg, and company. Highlight: Joy Behar hypothesizing that Hilton's blog was the byproduct of him "still mad about being called a fat kid" in school. Poor Mario! And poorer still VH1.

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