This week the tabs continue their quest to break up the jet-setting, in-sin-living, adoptionmobile that is Brangelina. Candace's crew at Star have Brad's mom telling Jennifer Aniston that her little boy still loves her, and that while Ange does have her moments, she's no Jen. In Touch puts Pitt in a monogrammed leather biker jacket and has him zooming off on his motorcycle while poor Ange clutches their four children. And sister sib Life & Style claims this latest Brangie blow-up was the result of someone buying the wrong kind of soy milk—doesn't specify who, but good money's on one of the 800 nannies.

Keeping up their new indie streak, Us refuses to get involved in the Brad/Ange milk debate and instead focuses on a potential root cause of Hollywood unhappiness—why beautiful, wealthy women in Tinseltown can't find love. Apparently the reason Aniston and Cameron Diaz can't make a match is that men are dogs who don't want to be seen with anyone over 29, and of course their frail male egos can't deal with smart, confident, high-rolling women. So all those things your mother told you in high school to boost your self-esteem were true!