ON ART Westwood

A puzzled audience at the London Guardian's Hay Festival watched as flame-haired fashion icon Vivienne Westwood performed a one-woman "manifesto" on the state of the visual arts in the UK, decrying the proliferation of one-trick pony "conceptual artists" like bug-collecting shark-pickler Damien Hirst or dirty-bed creator Tracy Emin.

Insisting "you've got to train, your feet have got to bleed" in order to achieve artistic greatness, Westwood went on to act out her "vision" in the voices of characters as disparate as Alice in Wonderland, Aristotle, and Pinocchio. And in spite of the fact that Westwood herself has not been immune to the temptations of a quick buck—a certain cheap-chic collaboration with Nine West comes to mind—she was undaunted in chastising other artists for cashing out.

Several onlookers walked out during her eccentric diatribe, which contained inscrutable gems of wisdom such as: "But wait! Who is this with firecracking smoldering pigtails, gold teeth, and a brace of flintlocks in his belt? He is a pirate. And what does his T-shirt say? 'I LOVE CRAP.'"

An excerpt of Westwood's "play" after the jump ...

Pinocchio: "There's a bloke here who lives in a barrel."

Diogenes: "I shit and wank in front of people in the street like a dog: I am the Cynic. The Great Alexander made a point of coming to see me and asked if he could do me a favor. Nobody's better than me. I told him to step out of my light. I am famous because I've got the balls to do what I want. And I don't want much."

Pinocchio: "Cool, I've found art! I could be Diogenes II. I'll call myself a piss artist and make lots of money."

Then, as herself again: "Come on, children. Alice, we're waiting for you to introduce us to Aristotle. And Pinocchio, you're just being silly. Though Diogenes is obsessed by himself he doesn't believe in anything, let alone himself. That's why he's a cynic. This self-promotion, and doing what you want is a sham philosophy of life. No, no, it's not self-indulgence but self-discipline that makes the individual. And you, especially, need self-discipline if you're going to be a freedom fighter."

Pinocchio: "You are right. Diogenes seemed kind of happy, but he's a poser. Too boring, I couldn't keep it up. Ha, ha, keep it up! I could sell canned sperm. Great marketing opportunities."

Alice (sarcastic): "Oh, how lewd!"

Photo: Getty Images