CANDIDATE, SWORDSMAN Archangel

Michael Jesus Archangel has "been at war with the homosexual Satan and his leftist queer devils and demons" for a while now. The presidential candidate from Michigan also runs a private investigative agency and a fascinating "Cosmic Reserve Bank" that prints "heavenly banknotes." This currency is used to pay women who, according to testimonials on his website, are flocking to his modeling agency. He can be reached by phone or e-mail, but you're out of luck if you want to fax him since the number is "CIA Top Secret Ultra-Grade."

The former master of custodial artistry (janitor) is looking at a handful of possible VPs, including Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin, and he has already settled on a guy named Jim as his Education Secretary. While Archangel has encountered some bumps along his campaign trail—most notably, a flap last year that ended in an attempted murder charge against him—his optimism is unbowed: "I prophesy that I will win by a crushing landslide."

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