With all of the money and hype surrounding Spider-Man 3, there must be a gem of a movie lurking at the bottom of Sony's tangled web. Not according to critics, whose vitriol has spiked to levels unseen since Ishtar. Below, the blurbs you'll never see on the SM3 DVD ...

• The New York Observer: "Bloated and stupid, this movie is so bad you can't even review it. Over-
produced, over-publicized, over-designed, over-
computerized and just plain over the moon, it's so preposterously overwrought with so many bewildering plots juggling simultaneously for over-emphasis, there's no entry point for criticism. You just stare at it, as you might a great big exploding pile of cow manure."

• The New Yorker: "In an early scene, a meteorite crashes to Earth, and from it crawls what seems to be a tiny garbage sack with half a mind of its own: not a bad image of where this film belongs."

• The Village Voice: "The best that can be said of Spider-Man 3 is that it sheds some light on the whole skinny black jeans phenomenon. Rest easy Hedi Slimane and residents of the 11211, the origin of overpriced mantyhose may now be attributed to the nefarious agenda of intergalactic goo."

• Dallas Observer: "It all just feels so ... Fantastic Four, so dopey and forgettable and crafted out of second-rate cheese."

• UK Times Online: "This incessant Tom and Jerry action makes it impossible to actually care. The Sunday School morality, and the inevitable flash of the American flag, are perfectly irritating."

• Philadelphia Weekly: "Bigger, louder, and a good deal longer than its delightful predecessors, Sam Raimi's Spider-Man 3 makes just about every wrong move in the sequel playbook, substituting scope and scale for the warmth and wit that made those two previous pictures so memorable."

• Film Jerk: "While Spider-Man 3 is not even remotely close to the title of The Worst Movie Ever Made, it's [sic] schizophrenic pacing and apathy towards its audience's acceptance means the film never needs to be seen more than once, if that."

• Rope of Silicone: "Spider-Man 3 presents a world where people come into rooms, make heartfelt speeches, and then exit for no apparent reason while the other person looks off into the distance. It's all a wacky attempt at Steel Magnolias (with webs) and it comes off as fully contrived."

Photo: Getty Images