If four out of five weeklies put you on the cover and claim your marriage is deader than Dannielynn's mama, does it make it true? What if they throw exclamation marks in their headlines and speculate you might be preggers? For Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, it's pretty much a typical day in the life since they started sucking face on red carpets back in 2005. Still, this week's TomKat scrutiny is excessive, even if it is a week between Saint Angelina adoptions.

In Touch focuses on a set of pics from an L.A. eatery, where a waiter claimed that Mrs. Cruise didn't have any drinky drinks and looked knocked up. They also point out that the Mission Impossible star had his hands on Katie's tum-tum, which the Bauer bunch seems to think is as good a confirmation as a plus sign on an EPT wand. But upon closer inspection, it appears this belly-grabbing might just be because Katie's wearing heels and this is as high as Tom could reach. In Touch frets that a Suri sibling could trap Kate with Tom forever. Quelle Horror! A "Divorce Shocker!" would sell so many more mags.

Sister pub, Life & Style, goes with the line that Katie's taking control and planning on re-launching her career—and babies are not on the alien-infested horizons. In a nifty trick, they use the same set of pics as In Touch, though they opt for the ones where Kate is standing up straight and is thus less bump-y.

Since they close issues on Monday night, Star staffers were able to cobble together one last "World Exclusive" before Pecker brought down the ax in the "Bloody Tuesday" firings. Team AMI reveals that Kate planned to escape Tom's talons by spending a few months in Louisiana filming Mad Money and taking off her clothes for a hot and heavy sex scene with some actor named Adam. Alas, they can exclusively reveal that The Great Kate Escape was foiled when Tom caught wind and decided to go on location with her. One can only wonder if Star's quality will suffer now that Bonnie Fuller can only spend $20,000 on lipstick.

OK! wins the "Write Around of the Week Award." Armed only with quotes on the evils of Scientology from ex-Reading Roomer Gerry Armstrong and a list of Nicole Kidman's post-Cruise accomplishments, they manage to fashion a two-spread story with a screaming headline: "Nicole's Fears for Katie:
Leave Tom Now."

Us's only TomKat mention is a birthday shout out to 1-year-old Suri. Min's minions opt instead for a cover on the evils of Angelina. Topping their list is Ange's exploitation of the media, namely that she gives exclusive family pics to competitor People.

Photo: Getty Images