THUMB BLONDE Smith

Our fearless glossies faced an interesting Anna Nicole Smith quagmire this week. With the buxom beauty biting it on Thursday afternoon, there was plenty of time to dispatch teams of reporters to Hollywood, Florida, where they could bribe and butter-up bartenders and bouncers at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino.

But every major television and daily news outlet had beaten the story to death by the weeklies' Monday night lock-up. Why Anna? Why? Saturday morning would have been so much more convenient for us.

Star

Bonnie Fuller's troops go all out with a "World Exclusive COVER-UP!" cover, though it's never quite clear what exactly is being hidden or by whom. In their seven-page spread, they bring up such engaging mysteries as why it took ANS' nurse seven minutes to call 911 when she found her charge "unresponsive" in suite 607 and whether or not million-dollar baby Dannielyn was in the hotel with Anna and creepy companion Howard K. Stern (every other newspaper, magazine, and television show in the country says the babe was with friends in the Bahamas). Fuller herself even ran to NBC and convinced Dateline to take a break from pederast-hunting so she could share with Ann Curry exciting news about the drugs their source uncovered in Anna's hotel suite.

In Touch

The glossy takes a similar hard-line headline: "Was it Double Murder?" Sadly, asking the question doesn't make it true. Though they do their best to pin the rap for the deaths of Anna and son Daniel (who died last September) on Stern.

Life & Style

In Touch's sister publication, continuing its role as the softer side of Bauer Publishing, fills its Anna cover story with sappy quotes from the playmate's pals: "She was full of life" (and methadone?).

Us

Janice's Min-ions make Britney and Justin the top story but still manage to get Hulk Hogan on-the-record discussing concerns he had the last time he saw Anna.

Also reporting ...

OK! does its usual rehash of other media, focusing largely on Anna's last ET interview, and People keeps it clean with quotes from the medical examiner and police officials. Thankfully, Anna left behind a bevy of friends, relatives, and "insiders" willing to shed some light/sell out to the tabs. Star nabs three friends, a former interior decorator, and possible baby-daddy Larry Birkhead. In Touch gets Anna's mom, Virgie Arthur. L&S has a stylist and neighbor. Us scores a friend, a relative, and Insider host Mark Steinnes. And the playmate's former publicist, David Granoff, wins the booby (pun intended) for whoring himself out to the most mags.

Leftovers

But life must go on after Anna. Life & Style, Us, Star, and OK! report that newly be-shnozzed Jen Aniston turned 38, and Vince Vaughn made a surprise appearance at a party thrown by Dirt-y girl Courtney Cox. Any guesses on how many times the phrase "Birthday Bash!" appeared?

Photo: PatrickMcMullan.com