The problem with attacking paparazzi with an umbrella and your head shaved is that they'll inevitably snap your photo. Britney Spears learned this the hard way last week when she went postal on a bunch of photogs who had followed her out of rehab (round two). No one agency got the exclusive, so Life & Style, Star, US, and In Touch all ran the shots.

OK! didn't run the photos, and instead took a page from last week's record-selling issue of In Touch by putting Britney next to Pam Anderson on its cover. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but, at $2.99, OK! is still a buck more than Bauer's finest.

All the weeklies mention Britney husband #1 Jason Alexander's tell-all with The Mirror. The $20,000 Alexander got for exposing Britney's druggy past will hopefully last him longer than the 2004 marriage.

It's not all bad news for Brit, though: all the glossies are optimistic about a K-Fed/Brit reunion. Several "friends" (read: former shampoo girls) offer unattributed quotes about how Kevin has promised to give Britney another shot. Star, while still pulling for the Chaotic reunion, has "learned exclusively" that Kev has been hanging out with ex Shar Jackson.

Justin Timberlake's role in the pop tart's recovery depends on who you read. He either left an encouraging note for her at Promises Malibu (Life & Style); had a heart-to-heart with her mom (US); is hanging with K-Fed (Star); or is giving Britney "tough love" by ignoring her phone calls (OK!).

In other news, the Oscars came and went without a noticeable red carpet slip-up. The consensus from US, In Touch, Life & Style, and Star: Kristen Dunst's feathered frock failed. Brush your hair, Mary Jane—it's the Academy Awards, for crissake.